Home
Updating Screwtape
The Screwtape Letters, written by C. S. Lewis, is a collection of fictitious letters writen by a senior devil named Screwtape to
his young protégé and nephew, Wormwood—an up and coming tempter. In the book, Lewis deals with the psychology of temptation from "the other way round". The
tempters refer to human beings as their "patients", to Satan as "Our Father Below", and so on. Whatever is bad for Screwtape is good for us.
In my C. S. Lewis class this semester, we had an assignment that involved writing about Screwtape. We had the option of writing a Screwtape letter as if the Tempters were writing
to another in the present day. "What might they write to each other about?"
What follows is my response to that writing prompt. I wrote in the persona of Wormwood, as if he had grown up since his correspondence with Screwtape.
The only problem with this premise is that Screwtape ended up eating Wormwood.
My dear Plucksnot,
The nerve! What do you mean by reminding me that times have changed since I was in your position? When I was in your position, I never would have said that to an undersecretary! That kind of cheek will get you into hot water if you’re not careful. And on top of that, your letter reveals a disturbing amount of ignorance. I hardly know where to begin.
It’s not even the fact that your patient has awoke from the sleep you tried to keep him in that bothers me so, do not misunderstand me. It’s the whining! You really must cut that out.
What did you expect? That he would go on sleeping forever? Your sleep wasn’t even a very good one. And besides, that’s the way humans are. They get bored with what you offer them, especially if the amusement is as dull a thing as you offered. But you’ll learn, I suppose.
The things we offer lose their potency over time, Plucksnot. Remember that. You’ve got to be a little quicker if you want to keep him cozily tucked away; I advise trying to develop an addiction to accompany your next offer. And do be careful. There’s a stuck-up angel under every bush in your man’s neighborhood. Despite our best efforts, the enemy’s agents have a way of cropping up in the most unfortunate ways.
Never forget that your man is currently in the enemy’s camp and that, in reality, the things he may run across there are more appealing to his inner man than the things you’re offering. You’ll have to muddle his understanding of those things and dress up your own to look wildly exciting. And innocent. By the sounds of it, he’s not likely to go for your bait if it doesn’t look innocent.
But above all, don’t let him stay bored for long, for badness sake! When he gets tired of your gift, give him another. Because when humans get bored, they get uncomfortable. We want them to be active and asleep. Remember that.
Make sure he’s occupied by the distraction box or something, and keep him well away from the wrong sort of reading. There hardly is a wrong sort of programming any more.
I was pleased, by the way, to hear that your patient likes horror films. You must encourage that all you can. There’s a new one coming to the temples in his area soon staring a character that actually looks rather like you, doing the sort of things you’ll be doing to your patients (if you ever secure any of them, that is). You should watch it next time you need an ego boost.
Don’t be alarmed by their film’s accuracy, though. You haven’t been found out. Our Father Below is becoming more gracious all time with his revelations to them, which seems at first like a violation of our current policy of concealment. I wouldn’t consider it a violation though, because the humans on most parts of the surface take it for granted that we only exist in their films and darkest dreams.
Now, concerning the regrettable growth of your patient’s malady; the Christian disease is indeed very hard to cure or contain, but we have our ways. It is good that you detected it early. Act quickly. First, I would simply try questioning one or more of the beliefs he has been taught to espouse. Which ones to start with will be different with each patient. But people are no more thoughtful than parrots, and I’m sure you have already found them easy to befuddle and dishearten.
In many cases, this technique by itself will trip the patient up for quite some time. This is because humans don’t like to talk about their doubts, or their shortcomings for that matter. You see, they all have this delightful notion that they aren’t allowed to have any weakness. We call this the shame principle, and we have set it in place because it prevents them from sharpening one another the way the Enemy has equipped them to.
Still, don’t rest. Your job is finished only when you have brought your man safely into Our Father’s House. In your present situation you should work to shift your patient’s focus off of the Enemy himself and onto safer matters. Woo him.
In any event, do work on your whining habit. And take heart; if there’s one thing humans now days can’t stand, happily, its boredom. This makes your job that much easier because they fill their time with worthless things without our assistance.
Let me caution you once more, though. You would be in deep trouble indeed if you fowl up so completely that your man begins to think seriously about his own life. We’ve really tightened up the regulations about that kind of thing, even for junior tempters like you, ever since we successfully increased the pace of their lives to that of hummingbirds.
Your affectionate uncle
WORMWOOD
Home